Butterflies and Sparrows
by CelestiaLily
Summary: After the events of "Things Change," Beast Boy finds it hard to let go of what he's lost; and finds a song that night that expresses his pain. Oneshot, BBTerra romance/angst. Rated T for some swears. Songfic. Enjoy!


**Disclaimer: I do not own _Teen Titans_ or _White Sparrows_ by Billy Talent**

**A/N: Takes place the night after _Things Change._**

**Warnings: Contains melodramatic angsty Beast Boy, swears and probably cliches.  
>Enjoy!<strong>

_Mirrors._

Cracked and shattered into a million glistening shards, destroyed by his own hands.

_Pain._

The bruises and bloody wounds weren't even registered until the whole thing was over.

_Skipping stones._

Soft *_plinks* _were heard as the smooth rocks bounced over the clear water.

_Grief._

He knew the Beast was always there, clawing its way out through the shredded remains of his heart; but he fought it down.

_Apple pie._

It made him sick. The sweetness didn't feel right, and yet he still bothered to finish the last mouthful before leaving the little diner on the edge of town.

_Despair._

"That wasn't her, she's gone for good... that wasn't her, she's gone for good... that wasn't her..."

_Butterflies._

He tried becoming one, tried flying away for a while. But he always fell back to Earth on his slender broken wings.

_Sorrow._

He both hated and loved her cave. Loved, because she was surrounded by the very element she loved to move. Hated, because... it reminded him of a tomb.

_Love..._

Too much for him to bear.

_Betrayal._

"_Why...?"_

Heart-aching words that hadn't crossed his mind in a long time. But now, the dam that had been slowly patched up and shunted to the corner of his mind finally burst, flooding his brain with images of a time long past. Each memory carried a stinging wave of emotion that threatened to tear his heart into a billion pieces.

Quite frankly, he felt stupid for opening up this can of worms again. _"I mean, I've already suffered enough... Right? What's the point of going back here if it's just a rotten place to __be...?" _A part of his mind protested. _Whatever, _he answered back. Today had been just too much for the broken changeling to handle right now.

Beast Boy's eyes darted around the room, no particular goal in mind until they fell wearily on his neon green alarm clock. The numbers cast an eerie glow around the messy space, illuminating all sorts of junk he hadn't bothered to pick up in... forever.

It was 2:17 am. Correction: _Yesterday_ was just too much for him right now.

It hurt to move. Heck, it hurt to _blink._ His entire body simply lay there, ignoring every feeble attempt to twitch a single muscle. Beast Boy tried it slow, not really in the mood to force his body in any sort of hurry. A toe wiggle there, an arm stretch there... Finally, the effort was steeled up to rise out of bed- only to flop back down at an awkward angle, his head nearly whacking the wall behind. Beast Boy barely registered the silent defeat. His thoughts only consisted of a dull pounding in his head. _Just try again, just keep moving. Moving is good, staying is bad. Moving good, staying bad..._

The next try was successful. But when he found himself standing, (and slightly swaying in his sudden vertigo,) Beast Boy had already forgotten the reason he had put in all that effort in the first place. He shuffled a foot forward- and almost tripped on something nearly unidentifiable in the dark. Only his heightened balance and instinctual movement saved Beast Boy from a nasty fall. His head spun from the near plummet to the floor. _Okay, my room needs cleaning... Fine._

Using only the light of his alarm clock and a fuzzy memory of the layout of his room, Beast Boy started picking up everything he could sense in the poorly lit space. Clothes were tossed out of the way, stray video games were piled on his dresser, and some pillows that had long lost their fluff were dumped back on his bed.

_Anything_ to distract him from the pain of losing her. Again...

_Thunk. _

Beast Boy paused with an armful of stuff, quickly glancing down to see what he had dropped.

His iPod. It had been missing for about two whole weeks now. _Huh..._

He abandoned the heavy load of junk in his arms. Beast Boy sat down, ignored the temporary head rush and picked it up, leaned against the wall and riffled through the various songs, seeing what might help him sleep through the rest of the night.

It had accumulated quite a lot over the years, too much for him to really care about this minute. So he stumbled back into bed and yanked the comforter over his thin body, trying to shift into a position that was at least slightly more comfortable than his previous efforts. Beast Boy put it on shuffle and closed his eyes...

The opening guitar sequence was unrecognizable at first, but the driving tune sounded rather fast and also painfully sad.

"_Today I walked down our old street..."_

'Course. It was a song in one of Billy Talent's albums. Beast Boy thought the singer's voice was a little harsh, but the guitar riffs were just _awesome_. He vaguely recollected numerous times in his room air-guitaring to the blaring music.

"_Past the diner where we meet..."_

Wait, diner...?

"_Now I dine alone in our old seats..."_

A wave of icy shock _slammed _into him, followed by a gut-wrenching sense of new-found grief.

He had been so desperate at the cafe. Just hoping for a sign, a clue, _anything_ that meant she was back. Jumping at the sight of yellow and black, ready to believe that any blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl was her.

"_The cold wind blows right through my bones,_

_And I feel like I'm getting old,_

_But I wish I was getting old with you..."_

There was so much left unsaid... So much time he had wasted...

Growing up without her was the worst. The fear of forgetting her weighed on his conscience so heavy, it was hard to _breath._ Beast Boy had begun dreading a possible day when her sweet laughter couldn't be recalled in his mind. Or when he simply couldn't remember what her first present had been, given so long ago outside her room in the Tower. He thought that if that day ever came, it would signify a loss a hundred times worse than if the caves she sacrificed her life in collapsed forever.

The next couple lyrics were lost in Beast Boy's mournful wanderings, but he almost felt the chorus like a physical punch in the gut.

"_White sparrows, fell from heaven and carried her away..._

_Black arrows, cut the strings of my heart, I kneel and pray..."_

In the end, Beast boy guessed she _must_ have reached heaven or something. Formal religion hadn't meant a whole lot to him, but _someone_ must be up there making sure of stuff...

Originally after they had left the plaque and flowers by her statue, he had wanted to stay behind at her tomb and pray alone. But then Raven had quietly offered to join him, which was nice considering she was constantly being demonized by society for her "satanic" nature. Then Cyborg had spoken up, and before Beast Boy could refuse Starfire and Robin had agreed to stay as well. So, that one service was made together with his friends. It helped.

Maybe their prayers would make a difference, maybe not. But she deserved to have it all the same, regardless of her betrayal to the city. Beast Boy hadn't told a soul about his second, secret prayer. To this day, he still wishes God had listened to that one.

**~ Flashback ~**

Beast Boy lay on his hands and knees, clenching his fists against the cold stone floor so hard his shaking knuckles were turning a pale green. A single tear rolled down his cheek and softly pattered to the ground. The cave was otherwise devoid of life, though a tall and detailed statue of a young girl who had once lived stood solemnly, hands outstretched in defiance of her tragic fate.

"_Dear God, I want you to serve justice for everything that happened yesterday. The moment she died to protect the city, the moment she took Slade down and saved our lives. Give Slade what he deserves, the sick, twisted bastard. He should pay for his crimes in Hell a _hundred _times over, no matter what he wants you to think... Just please don't let him walk free. Dear God, don't let Slade walk free... Amen."_

**~ End Flashback ~**

Beast Boy managed to catch the start of the next verse. _It's just a song, it's just a song... _He thought desperately.

"_Her clothes hang in the closet still,_

_The phone sits on the windowsill,_

_And every time it rings it gives me chills..."_

Ah, the communicator. He had wanted to give it to her, hoping that eventually she'll remember and call him back. It was a fragile hope; quickly shattered when she refused and pushing him away in the crowded school hallway. He let her go, but just barely.

"_My heart just stopped when I was told,_

_Doctor, doctor on the phone,_

_Said my love was never coming home..."_

They had tried everything to bring her back. Raven's magic, Cyborg's technology, even Starfire's bizarre ideas had all turned up failures in the end. Even with the whole expertise of S.T.A.R. Labs and Wayne Enterprises (Robin said it could be covered by the funding for the Titans,) time passed and nothing could break Terra's tragic condition.

"_I hold out, can't escape,_

_Gently, walk into the grave,_

_Dark clouds eclipse, the sun won't shine again..."_

"_White sparrows, fell from heaven and carried her away,_

_Black arrows, cut the strings of my heart, I kneel and pray..."_

"_They gave her one more day,_

_To say the words I couldn't say,_

_I'm crying in pain, crying in pain..."_

By this point Beast Boy's vision had blurred past the point of making out the dim light shining from his iPod. He barely even registered the tears; preferring them to pool and fall on their own.

"_You're the best friend I ever had..."_

He had to let her go. He knew it was the right thing to do. But he had always hoped that she would be able to come back, and the Teen Titans would welcome her with open arms. Not... not _this._

"_And I'm not looking for answers,_

_No, I'm not looking for answers,_

_But dear God, why did_

_You choose her?..."_

How was it her time to die? How was the death of a brave warrior the right path for anyone? She had so much life ahead of her, so much to look forward to. So, _why _did it all have to end?

"_White sparrows..."_

Beast Boy found himself softly whispering to the rest of the chorus.

"_Fell from heaven and carried her away,_

_Black arrows, cut the strings of my heart, I kneel and pray..."_

"_They gave her one more day,_

_To say the words I couldn't say,_

_I'm crying in pain, crying in pain..."_

He almost choked on his own grief, but managed to finish the last couple lines to the very end.

"_Our love will remain..._

_I'm crying in pain..."_

And with that, the small green changeling quietly...

...fell...

...asleep...

**End.**

**A/N: **This is a story that's been festering in my archives for a while before I finished it. I'm skeptical about the rules on Fanfiction, considering that they _really_ don't allow songfics, but I WILL take it down if anyone hates me that much for breaking the rules. Thanks for reading!


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